Alan "BBC Sport football expert" Hansenballs (1)

"Wigan have had a dream start. They were at two games and no points and if that run had continued they would've been in a bit of trouble."

Let's look at that…

Wigan's 'dream start' consisted of them losing their first two games.

Had they continued to lose every single game, they 'would've been in a bit of trouble'.

You can see why the BBC pay him so much, can't you?

(1) For people not in the UK or interested in football, Alan Hansen is a former Scotland player who now works in TV and whose basic routine is to say 'that was rubbish, if I'd done it, it would have been much better'.

As well as wondering if that means he's bisexual, one only has to look at Scotland's record to judge how accurate that is.(2)

(2) To save you looking it up, it's a complete failure to get past the first round in every World Cup they've managed to qualify for, including the only one he played in – where the defence he was part of let in eight goals in three matches, including two against New Zealand which meant they went out on goal difference.

In fact that was one of only three times out of their eight appearances when they didn't finish bottom of their first round group. The other main one was 1974 when… they went out on goal difference having only put two goals past a hopeless Zaire team. One more, and it'd have been Brazil going home.

Perhaps fortunately for those of us with any Scottish blood, the last time they qualified was 1998, when they finished bottom of their first round group.

The two highlights of Scotland's World Cup history are

a) the brilliant but ultimately pointless Archie Gemmill goal against Holland in 1978, as featured in Trainspotting and

b) moaning about a Russian linesman saying Geoff Hurst's shot crossed the line in England's 1966 World Cup Final win, leading to England winning the thing.

The lowlights are… everything else including

a) everything else about 1978, one year when they qualified and England didn't, and

b) losing to Costa Rica in 1990.

In fact, it's so bad that reckon their best performance was in 1986, when they came bottom of their four team group… again.

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